


That '70s Olympus

by AdoraIunonem



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: F/M, Gen, Inspired by That '70s Show, Sitcom, Teenagers, Walking In On Someone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29081616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdoraIunonem/pseuds/AdoraIunonem
Summary: Ares walks in on his parents, Dionysus accidentally drugs the Big Six, and Hades and Persephone play the newlywed game with Hera and Zeus (in an ice shack). Rewatching That 70s Show and my favorite episodes will be rewritten for the Olympians.
Relationships: Aphrodite/Ares, Hera/Zeus
Kudos: 10





	1. Always Knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ares walks in on his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of Season 1 episode 21 "Water Tower." teen!Ares, teen!Hermes, and teen!Dionysus 
> 
> Best to watch the original scenes:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-zcZH7GaMU  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9URN7uFgHk

“Can’t you move any faster?” 

“Calm down, Ares, I’m almost done.” 

Hermes was flying up on his winged sandals with a paintbrush in hand. Ares, on the ground, was prancing around nervously. Dionysus next to him giggled then hiccuped. 

“Yeah, Ares, he’s almost done. Besides, no one’s out at this time of night.” He took another gulp of wine and threw the empty bottle down, making a loud clang. 

“Whatever, just, if my mom catches us she’s gonna kill us all.” The god of war wasn’t scared of many things in this world, but the wrath of his mother was one of them. 

“Done!” Hermes flew backwards to see his finished masterpiece. A gigantic hemp leaf was painted smack-dab in the middle of the 30-foot mural of a shirtless Zeus. It was in the grand plaza of Olympus, so everyone would be able to see it, and this thought made Ares even more nervous. “Fellas, we’ve officially done it. This is totally sick!” 

Ares and Dionysus on the ground looked up. Even though the night was incredibly dark, they could see the painting Hermes drew, and it did _not_ look like a hemp leaf. 

“Um, is it just me, or does it not look like hemp?” Ares asked. 

“What?! What are you talking about, it’s perfect! Hm, maybe I should switch over to being the god of art.” 

“No, no, Ares is right. It looks like it’s giving me the finger,” Dionysus said. Now, on second thought, the middle leaflet did look like a middle finger. “Here, bring me up, I’ll fix it.” 

“No! It’s perfect! You’re all just jealous!” 

“Hermes, just do it!” Ares shouted up. Hermes grumbled a protest then flew down to pick Dionysus up to the high parts of the mural. 

“Gods, you reek!” Hermes looked away when he smelled Dionysus’s drunken breath. The wine god grabbed the paintbrush in his half-brother’s hand and leaned dangerously forward to paint the edges of the leaf.

“A little bit here.... And here...” 

“Whoa! Stop reeling around, I’m gonna drop you.” 

“Relax, I know what I’m doing. Now all the way over here to the right... AHHHHHHH!” Like a slapstick show, Dionysus clumsily stumbled out of Hermes’s grip, thrashing his arms and legs out as he shrieked on his way down. Ares stepped away so he wouldn’t land on him, and Dionysus plopped face-down on the ground, groaning from the pain. Hermes sucked air in through his teeth, completely ignorant to the fact that he could’ve flown down after him and caught him before his fall. 

“Hey, D!” Hermes called down. 

“...Yeah?” 

“Does it look like a hemp now?” 

There was a pause. “No... It’s giving me the finger.” 

Ares and Hermes examined Dionysus to see if his injuries were serious or not. He insisted that he was fine, but whenever he moved his arm he yelped in pain. “What do we do, what do we do?” Hermes panicked. 

“Shut up! Go get Apollo, you’re supposed to be the messenger.” 

“Oh, right.” 

“I’ll carry him over to his room and then I’ll get the emergency ambrosia in my parents’ room while you’re gone.” 

“Are you sure? What if you wake them up?” 

“It’s fine, I’ve snuck in there multiple times to look at my dad’s stash of pornos.” Hermes made a gagging noise and flew away on his sandals to look for Apollo, which could take a while since he oftentimes left Olympus for a one night stand. Ares picked Dionysus up and put him on his back. “Okay, buddy, don’t make a noise.” Dionysus groaned in response then hiccuped. 

The muscular war god tiptoed in the hallway to reach Dionysus’s bedroom, then crept back out to Zeus and Hera’s master chamber. Fueled by the fear that he could get caught, the blood rushed to his head. Hera had always told him that he could use the supplies that she kept in their room whenever he needed it, but she probably wouldn’t like that it was being used for one of her husband’s bastard children. 

The hallway torches were blown out earlier that evening, and the only sound he could hear was the cicadas chirping. He reached the ornate door to his parents’ bedroom and opened it. 

The next three seconds slowed down to an eternity. Standing there at the doorway felt like it went on for centuries. Ares had witnessed scenes of gore, images of violence that never disturbed his psyche. He had seen bodies in the throes of battle maimed and bloodied, heads decapitated and bones crushed. But this next image was by far, the most horrifying sight that he had ever seen. 

“Fuck me harder!”

“ _Fuck_ , Hera, yes!”

Ares’s eyes bulged out in terror. His parents’ nude bodies were toppled on each other, their faces contorted in animalistic pleasure. For a moment, his body tensed and his muscles froze, refusing to let him act. He was stuck there, forced to hear his father’s disgusting grunts and his mother’s dainty mewls. Finally, after a few seconds of shock, Ares willed himself to turn around and shut the door. 

In just those three seconds, Ares could feel all the teenage boy libido he had extinguish inside him. He didn’t even notice that he had walked back to Dionysus’s bedroom. 

“Hey man, did your mom give you the ambrosia?” 

Ares zoomed forward in front of D’s face and screamed, “SHUT UP AND DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!” 

~~~

That night, Apollo was fetched and he tended to Dionysus’s wounds. After the alcohol had worn off, Dionysus was being a royal pain in the ass since he could feel every ounce of pain that his intoxication previously masked. However, D might as well be talking to a brick wall because Ares sat there on the bed in silence, his eyes blank and dark. 

“Ohhhh, my arm hurts, it hurts.”

“B-b-bodies, bodies, everywhere....bodies,” Ares muttered under his breath, darting his eyes across the room. 

After the incident, Dionysus was healing fast with his broken arm placed in a sling. He returned to his cheery, inebriated self in no time. Hermes continued his antics and acted completely oblivious to what horrible, despicable, no-good hooligan vandal could’ve defaced the central mural of their almighty all-Father with an obscene gesture (“Although! If you think about it, it’s more of a pot leaf, right? Right? Ah, you just don’t appreciate true art.”) 

The three adolescent gods moved on perfectly fine... except for one. Everyone could see that Ares was affected. He was acting strange, or more strange than usual. He ignored Athena’s insults. He didn’t rise to Hebe’s taunts. No amount of delicious violence brought him out of his daze. His sword collection didn’t bring him any joy or wonder like before. This behavior continued for a few days, and Hera was beginning to get worried. 

One dinner at the grand dining table, all the Olympians were enjoying a peaceful feast of roast pig, sausage, and olive soup. 

“It seems like we have some vandals at Olympus. I walked past the central mural and it was giving me the finger,” Hera said. Hermes at the other end of the table snorted, but thankfully the king and queen did not notice. Hera looked up and saw her son looking down at his plate, his hands neatly folded on his lap. 

“Ares, you look pale. Let me see your eyes,” she said softly. Ares didn’t bother responding and kept his eyes down. He was scared that looking at his parents would bring back some disturbing images. “Look at me, my boy,” she coaxed. 

Almost robotically, Ares lifted his head then jumped in his seat. He saw, to his horror, his mother sitting at the table completely naked. 

“Do you have a fever?” she asked, then bit her sausage. Ares managed to gulp down the vomit that threatened to pop out his stomach. 

“I know what you need, son,” Zeus said. Ares slowly turned then groaned at the sight of his shirtless father. “Some manual labor will do you some good. Why don’t you help your mother’s servants mow the lawn in her garden?” 

Ares gripped the edge of his seat as the whole room began to spin. “Ares, is everything alright, dear?” his mother asked. 

“Gods, make it stop!” He clashed noisily out of his seat, almost sending his plate crashing down to the ground, and ran off down the hall. 

“Hm, wonder what that’s all about,” Zeus mumbled. 

~~~

Ares walked down the deep, dark hallway to his parents’ room, and then saw the wide, oak doors. He opened it to reveal the canopy bed where his mother had her legs spread in the air. “Oh, Hera...” “Oh, Zeus....”

“AHHH!” Ares shot up in his bed. Another nightmare. It was the third sleepless night that he’d had. He was tempted to visit Hypnos and ask him for help, but that would mean revisiting that awful memory...

NO! Happy place, happy place. Ares closed his eyes and forced his mind to think of anything that could bring him joy. Machetes, black eyes, blood orphans, his dad’s balls--NO, NO, STOP! 

“Gods, why?!” 

The next morning, Hera was sitting at the dining table for breakfast with everyone else, reading a scroll titled “Is Your Xander High? How to tell if your child is on drugs.” 

“See here, Zeus, Ares checks out for these signs. Look, blood-shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite-- Oh, Zeus, our son is on hemp! I bet it’s that Dionysus, he’s been a bad influence ever since you brought him here and--” 

“For gods’ sake, Hera, not this again. Ares isn’t on drugs. And _we_ smoke hemp!” 

“Well, we’re _adults_! Ares just started growing up! He’s still maturing!” Before she could finish, their aforementioned son came stumbling in, his javelin and shield falling out of his arms and clanging on the ground before he picked them up again. 

“Hello, Ares, hungry?” 

“No, Mom... Just, off to my afternoon javelin lessons...” 

Hera chuckled nervously and pointed to a line on the scroll, tilting the paper over for Zeus to see. “Haha, dear, that’s wonderful... But it’s 8 in the morning, so perhaps you should wait a couple more hours, right?” 

“Oh... right... Ha. Ha. Ha,” Ares laughed mechanically. 

“You know, son,” Zeus said then wrapped his hand on his wife’s waist. “I think--” 

Ares dropped his javelin and shield then ran off. “GET YOUR HANDS OFF HERRRR!” he shouted down the hallway. 

“Dear gods! That kid’s on dope,” Zeus said. 

~~~

As if the flashbacks and insomnia weren’t enough, the worst thing about it all was how his sex drive might be permanently damaged forever. 

“Ho ho, look what I got!” Hermes flew in with a plate. “I went over to Crete and got this kinky porno, who wants to see?” he asked mischievously as he wiggled his eyebrows. “Check this out!” He held up the ceramic plate that depicted a couple in a provocative position. “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!” 

“Hoo hoo, now this is nice!” Dionysus crooned. “Aw man, I gotta start going to Crete more.” 

Ares was sitting next to Dionysus and didn’t bother moving a muscle. 

“Yo Ares, I know what’ll cheer you up. Ta-da!” Hermes flew over Ares’s head and stuck the plate in front of his face. Ares blanched. The worst part was that the position was the _same_ position he had seen his parents in. Without uttering a word, Ares grabbed the plate from Hermes’s hands and smashed it down to the ground, the image on the plate now indiscernible. His half-brothers around him groaned and yelled from their shock. 

“Ares, man, what the hell!” Hermes shouted. Ares stood up instantly, forcing Hermes to fly backwards to avoid getting hit in the face with his head. 

“All right, that is quite enough! Everywhere I look now it’s SEX, SEX, SEX, it’s disgusting and I for one am not tolerating that sinful depravity in my home!” he shouted. Hermes and Dionysus stood there with their mouths open from surprise. 

“Ares, dude, just last week you were banging Aphrodite in the library! What’s wrong with you?” 

“Oh, excuse me for having a little bit of moral fiber!” He kicked the broken plate pieces and walked away, his fists balled at his side, muttering something about defilement and debauchery.

“Man, I paid money for that porno.” 

Oftentimes, Hebe didn’t try very hard to be a good sister. They had an ongoing sibling rivalry and it was very entertaining to play tricks on her brother. He had his life and she had hers, but she knew that now was the time to step in. The other day, she tried tempting her brother into a fight with her by pouring her kykeon on his head, but he simply shook his head to get the drink out his eyes and walked away without a single insult or cuss word. It was disturbing. 

After one lunch, she was excused from her cupbearing duties and found him staring at a window in his bedroom. He stood there in complete silence, his eyes empty like black holes. He hadn’t heard her enter his room. She stood there behind him with her hands on her hips, waiting for him to notice her. 

“Ares!” 

“Get off my mom-- what?” He turned around to see his sister’s incredulous face. 

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been extra loser-y lately.” 

Ares coughed then cleared his throat. Well, here goes nothing. “I saw Mom and Dad having sex.” 

Hebe opened her mouth to say something, but only a squeak came out. Her youthful face distorted into an image of absolute horror. “Oh, oh no, poor thing, it’s okay,” she said as she hugged him and caressed his head lovingly. “Everything will be okay, sweetie.” 

“Oh Hebe, it was horrible. I can’t get the image out of my head, their sweaty, naked, pale, sweaty bodies on each other.” Ares gagged. “I mean, it was Mom and Dad, but they were like a pair of horny pegasi at the stable.” 

“Oh Ares, I am so sorry,” she said while stroking his hand in consolation. “But you have to understand that Mom and Dad love each other, and they have urges and needs, just like us.” 

“No urges! No needs!” Ares interjected like a damaged toddler. 

“But sweetie, they do, and I promise that you will turn out fine.” 

Ares looked up at her with doe eyes. “I will?” 

“Of course! I turned out fine, right?” 

Ares narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously. “Dear gods, Hebe, did you see them together too?” 

Hebe took a deep breath. “Okay, don’t ever tell anyone this, but when I was 12, I saw them together... in broad daylight on the hammock.” 

“Oof, good Gaia, that’s way worse than mine.” 

“For a while I was pretty freaked out, but over time I just got over it. And you’ll get over it too. Even though, for a long time, I just kept seeing their legs and arms tangled together, and their moans kept appearing in my dreams... I used to play with my yo-yos on that hammock, you know?” 

“Whew, but you obviously turned out alright.” 

“And later when they came back inside, their skin had this checkerboard pattern from the ropes on the hammock, and they said that they just fell asleep on the hammock, but I knew, I knew! I knew it was all a lie.” Her eyes were beginning to space out.

“Thanks Hebe, you really helped make me feel better. Knowing that your experiences were way worse than mine cheered me up a lot. Anyways, I’ll see you later.” He patted her shoulder and left her dazed and alone in his room. 

Now that he was feeling a bit better, he sought out Aphrodite. He had been blowing her off the past few days, and knowing her, she was probably incredibly pissed. He found her in her bedroom naked, examining her nails for any imperfections. 

“Ugh, you better have a good explanation to why you’ve been avoiding me the past week.” He interrupted her with a searing kiss, which she immediately reciprocated. 

“Oh thank gods, I was scared I wouldn’t get another boner in my life again.” Ares planted another one on her soft lips. 

Aphrodite broke the kiss and looked up at him. “Ares, what are you talking about?” 

“I walked in on my parents having sex.” Aphrodite tried, she really did, but she couldn’t hold in her laugh anymore. He scowled when he saw her guffawing and tears springing from her eyes. 

“Hey, I was traumatized! It’s not funny!” 

“This is too good! I mean, seriously Ares, did you think your parents never fucked?” 

“I-I don’t know! I don’t want to think about it! Besides, you’ll never understand because you don’t even have parents, you were born from sperm!” 

“I can hear them all the time, did you think that thumping sound was from construction?” 

Ares’s face grew red with frustration. “Yes! I mean, no! I don’t know, I didn’t think about it too hard!” 

“ _What_ construction? We live on Olympus, have you ever seen anyone working on any construction here?” 

Ares couldn’t retort back because he heard his father call out for him. “ARES! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!” he bellowed. 

He mumbled something and stormed out of Aphrodite’s chamber to his parents’ living room. Both his parents were there, his father staring at him with his arms crossed. Hera nervously bit her lip and shook her head. Hebe was behind them, serving her mother some wine in a glass. 

“Ares, your father and I have noticed that you’ve been acting very strange lately. Is there something you want to tell us?” Hera asked delicately. 

“Are you on opium? Are you?!” his father pointed at him with an accusing finger. Hera chose to ignore him. 

“Because if so, we can help get you clean. There’s counseling, Asclepius’s new rehab program--” 

“My lightning bolt up your ass.” Hera glared at her husband, which he didn’t notice because he was busy glaring at his son. 

“Mom, Dad, I’m not on drugs.” (That was a lie; he enjoyed a good smoke with his brothers, but that wasn’t the thing influencing his behavior.)

“Then what the hell’s wrong with you?” his father asked. 

“I was in the hall, and, I saw-- I-- You know what? I’m on drugs.” 

Hebe groaned from the back. “Oh for gods’ sake, he saw you guys doing it!” she shouted. Hera’s face was frozen in shock while a deep blush reddened Zeus’s face. Noticing the tension, Hebe immediately gathered the wine goblet and hurried out the room to leave Ares alone with their parents. Zeus huffed and twiddled his fingers to avoid looking at anyone. 

Hera laughed. “Oh, honey, were your father and I having intercourse?” 

Ares gagged and scooted the chair back a few inches away from them. “Mom!” Gods, he had _just_ gotten the flashbacks under control, but glimpses of the memory were starting to return. He was getting nauseous. 

“Oh, well no wonder you’ve been behaving so strangely! Zeus, say something to make him feel better!” Hera was lightly blushing, but more relieved that her son was not (supposedly) on drugs. Zeus, on the other hand, was having a hard time with the situation. He cleared his throat and rubbed his hands together awkwardly. 

“Um... it’s more fun than it looks.” Hera rolled her eyes at him. 

“Which you wouldn’t know because you’re just a young boy... right?” Hera eyed him dangerously. 

Ares gulped as a bead of sweat dripped down his temple. “No! No! No! I’m not... having sex.” 

Zeus chuckled. “Of course the boy’s having sex, Hera! He’s a teenage _boy_!” 

Hera rolled her eyes again. “Well, your father and I have carnal desires just like you do, and copulating is--” 

“Gods, make this conversation end!” Ares got up immediately and left the room, leaving the door swinging open. 

“Wait! Next time, always knock! Even in the middle of the afternoon!” 

“GODS, STOP!” 

Zeus started laughing when they were sure their son was nowhere near. “Man, that was funny!” Hera rubbed her temples and sat down on the loveseat. 

“You said you locked the door!” 

After a few days, everyone was glad to see that Ares returned to his usual self. He went back to enjoying lewd drawings on ceramic pottery, Dionysus healed in due time, and someone finally washed the middle finger/hemp leaf off the mural. And Ares learned to always, always, _always_ knock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hemp and opium were the two most common recreational drugs in Ancient Greece.  
> Also, porno was usually on pottery.


	2. O Fortuna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short, sweet one. Ares sees Aphrodite with no make-up on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of Hyde Moves In, Season 1 Episode 24. 
> 
> Original scene: Ashton Kutcher's scream was too funny for 11-year-old me  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On0NNn_Y5-g

“How’s everyone doing?” Apollo asked. He clumsily held onto the chariot reins as they sped across the night sky, his friends seated next to him on the vehicle. Dionysus and Hermes were lounging around, and Ares had his arm around Aphrodite, who had reluctantly joined her boyfriend’s friends on a pointless boy adventure. Artemis was off with her lady friends, or “hunters,” on some kind of expedition for the night. Promising his buddies a night out, Apollo had stolen her moon chariot. It would’ve been a good idea to figure out how to steer it _before_ they launched into the air. 

“Bored,” Aphrodite said pointedly. “We’re just cruising.” 

Ares jumped up in his seat with an idiotic grin. 

“Need to use the bathroom there, Ares?” Hermes asked. 

“Even better! I got an idea. Let’s go...” He drummed on his thighs. “Skinny dipping!” 

Hermes huffed and rolled his eyes. “That sounds like a stupid idea, Ares.” 

“I don’t know, I kinda want to go skinny dipping,” Aphrodite said. 

“That sounds like a great idea, Ares.” 

Apollo spotted a pristine lake tucked away in the woods and somehow managed to land the chariot into a thicket of trees. Besides a few twigs in their hair, there wasn’t much damage. Except for the giant scratch on the side of the door. Oops, well, maybe Artemis won’t notice. 

Their night was going pretty well for a bunch of teenagers. The boys got to see Aphrodite’s boobs, and the best part was that it was so dark, she didn’t see any of their boners. After an hour or two of splashing around, they all got back into the chariot to head back to Olympus. Naked. 

“Wow, Ares, skinny dipping was just such a great idea. Oh, except for the part where those nymphs _stole all our clothes_!” Aphrodite shrieked. 

“Artemis is going to freak when she finds out our bare assholes have been on her chariot,” Dionysus snickered. 

“Only if any of you idiots spill, so shut your asses up,” Apollo said. 

Aphrodite pouted and looked up at Ares. “Babes, I want to go home. I think I caught something at the lake.” 

He snorted. “Like an eel?” 

“No, you idiot! I meant I’m sick!” 

Apollo woke the chariot deer up and grabbed the reins. “Come on fellas, her royal majesty demands to go home.” 

The five teenagers hurried into the palace and hoped to gods that the king and queen wouldn’t spot any of them naked. Apollo gave Aphrodite some ambrosia for a speedy recovery, and after that she returned to her chamber to bathe and rest. The next morning, Ares felt a _teensy_ bit bad that he took them skinny dipping and his girlfriend got a cold from it. He got a teddy satyr at the Olympus gift shop, which was really a rip-off for all the Underworld and nereid tourists, but upon brandishing his new machete (a birthday gift from Hera), the shopkeeper gave him the stuffed animal for free. 

After breakfast, he went up to Aphrodite’s bedchamber and opened the door. His girlfriend was on her bed reading a magazine. She shrieked then covered her face with a pillow. “Go away, Ares, I’m sick! I don’t have any makeup on, my hair is a mess, and I look hideous right now.” 

He giggled. She was so darn cute. “Dite, come on, I don’t care what you look like. I just want to see you!” 

“Why?” she squeaked out. 

“Because! You’re my girlfriend. And I got you a present.” He showed her the teddy satyr in his hands. 

“Awww, Ares.” She lowered the pillow, and his jaw dropped open. Good gods! What happened to her?! She looked like a zombie! “Ares, that is so sweet.” He heard a chorus of screaming spirits and the room darkened to a fiery red inferno. He started hyperventilating. _Holy Hades, is this what it’s like in the Underworld??_

Aphrodite reached out her arms to hold the teddy satyr. Ares turned around, his back facing her, so he wouldn’t have to see her face anymore. “Let me hold it!” Without looking, Ares held the toy out for her to take. She grinned at him. “Thank you, lover.” 

He couldn’t hold the terror back anymore. Whipping around, with tears in his eyes, he screamed. “AHHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHHHHH!”

~~~

To say that Aphrodite was pissed was not even close. She was _furious_. Ares had never seen Aphrodite so mad before. Her anger might’ve reached the level of his mother’s, and _no one_ was angrier than his mother. 

Of course, his friends had a solution for his relationship woes. Ares, Hermes, Dionysus, and Apollo sat in a circle in the boys’ rec room with a couple of hemp blunts. 

“Man, where did you get this pot, man?” Apollo asked. 

“Persephone grows some for me, in exchange for me delivering her love letters before Demeter can intercept them,” Hermes chuckled. 

“Dude, I saw the freakiest thing,” Ares said. “I saw Aphrodite sick, without any makeup. It was freakier than the time I saw my parents doing-- I’m gonna stop myself right there. Someone please give me another blunt.” 

“Our boy’s been through enough hardship. If I had to see Hera getting drilled by my old man, I would swear eternal maidenhood like my sister.” Apollo shuddered. Ares needed a god of therapy, which unfortunately, Zeus didn’t find necessary, so Olympus was filled with a bunch of emotionally stunted morons. 

“Hey man, if you don’t want Aphrodite, I’ll take her off your hands,” Dionysus joked. Ares stood up with his fist cocked and his nostrils flaring. “Whoa, whoa, just kidding, man!” 

“Whatever. No one has decent relationship advice. I can’t talk to Aphrodite, and my mom would just get mad that I screamed at my girlfriend for not wearing makeup.” Fuming, Ares stormed out the rec room with his thoughts racing. Not that there were many thoughts to begin with, but first, to get some food. 

He found some of his mom’s nectar brownies lying around on the dining table and finished the entire pan. He belched then spun around quickly when he heard a feminine voice speak. 

“Tsk tsk. Disgusting, like a boorish pig.” Athena stood against the column with her arms crossed, assessing the scene. Watching a man inhale an entire dish of brownies was one of the most revolting sights ever, and her half-brother’s red, puffy eyes were very conspicuous. 

Ares crossed his arms and spat on the ground, which made Athena scowl. “What are you doing here?” Athena and Ares never quite got along. Ares’ adolescent male temper was irksome to her, and the way she always knew the answer to _every_ problem annoyed him. Mainly because he didn’t have the answer to most questions. Anyways, her intelligence garnered the attention of his father, and Ares didn’t see the big hoopla of Athena’s wit. 

“I was just wandering about when I heard something here, and expecting to find one of the boars let loose from the farm, I see you.” 

“Well, I-- you-- shut up! I’m having a bad day!” 

“Let me guess, you’re having a rough patch with Aphrodite.” 

Since when did she become a mind reader? “I guess you can tell from my mood.” 

“Perhaps. Or maybe it’s because I just saw Aphrodite destroying a portrait of you with her nail file, screaming ‘I hate you Ares.’”

Momentarily forgetting his rivalry with Athena (probably from the drugs), he sat down and sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I saw her without makeup and I kinda screamed at her-- But that’s not my fault! She was hideous!” 

Athena rolled her eyes. She had never been in an official relationship, but she was arguably the most emotionally perceptive person on Olympus. “Look, I hate the idea of helping you, especially someone so dim-witted, but maybe you should think about what matters. Lots of people think that appearance is the most important thing for love, and some believe that it’s personality, or charisma, that makes love last. The thing is, some things might not last forever. People change and some things fade, but if you put greater value into things that aren’t so ephemeral, your connection can grow stronger over time.” 

Ares pondered this for a moment. “So what you’re saying is... I should put the greatest value into looks.”

“What? No. That’s not--” 

“Because things like personality are ephemeral, and looks will always be there to make our relationship stronger!” 

“No, no, stop--” 

“Thanks Athena,” he said while slapping her arm a little bit too hard. “Usually, you annoy the bejeezus out of me, but today you’re pretty tolerable.” He sauntered off, leaving Athena behind to shake her head and rub her temples. 

~~~

Aphrodite sat on her bed alone, pouting and seething. She heard the door open again and it was the very boyfriend that she was fuming about. She grabbed the teddy satyr (which she named Theo that day) and threw it at him. “Go away, Ares!” 

He timidly inched closer, and Aphrodite turned around and crossed her arms. “Dite, please, I really need to talk to you. I want to apologize. For screaming when I looked at you the other day. It’s just, you looked really gross.” She growled to let him know he was on dangerous territory. “B-but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I realized that just because you look bad now doesn’t mean you’ll look bad forever.” She turned around to look at him, curious to see what he would say next. “I realized that this whole mess is a temporary thing, but physical beauty-- that lasts forever.” 

She smiled at him. “Aww, that is _so_ true.” She leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. “I love you Ares.”

“I love you too, Dite.”


End file.
